My Parents Are Ageing, What Do I Do Now?

1.Understand that there might be some resistance to your help

One of the most challenging aspects of caring for ageing parents is being met with resistance when you are just trying to help. To move forward, and gain your parents’ trust and cooperation, it is key to understand why they may resist your help.

Many parents can be stubborn or in denial about their changing needs, clinging onto their usual way of living and the independence they’ve enjoyed for most of their lives. They may also have negative associations with seeking assistance, viewing it as a stigma tied to weakness or loss of control. Sudden changes in circumstances, such as an unexpected surgery or loss of dexterity and/or mobility, can take a toll on their mental health, making them more resistant to discussing the support they need.

Fear of dependency often makes parents less open to help from their children, as they worry about becoming a burden and the unfamiliarity of the tables turning. Cognitive issues like memory loss or confusion can add another layer of complexity to the matter. This can make it harder for your parents to understand or accept the necessity of help.

Identifying and recognising the underlying reason for your parents’ resistance, will allow you to support them with greater empathy and patience and should make the process a little easier.

2.Communicating effectively with one another

When approaching conversations about care, communicating effectively is essential. Being able to avoid arguments and staying calm can prevent discussions from becoming confrontational and counterproductive. It’s important to remember that whilst you are supporting your parents, they are still adults and are used to making decisions for themselves. It is therefore absolutely crucial that you respect their autonomy and acknowledge their ability to make decisions about their lives.

We recommend that you take the time to understand their hesitations and fears as this will allow you to address their concerns more thoughtfully and effectively. By clearly communicating with them regarding your intentions and the potential outcomes of any proposed support, your parents will feel more at ease with their change of circumstance and build trust with you regarding their health choices. Keeping them in the loop in an open and honest dialogue will help them see you’re not trying to take over but rather trying to assist in a way that preserves their dignity and independence.

Remember that, where possible, the goal is collaborative decision-making.

3.Involving extended family and medical professionals

Caring for your ageing parents shouldn’t be a task you have to shoulder alone. Getting siblings, family friends, or trusted professionals involved can provide a broader scope of support and shared responsibility. For example, siblings can help share caregiving tasks such as regular visits, trips, daily care, or financial planning.

If you are finding your parents particularly resistant to your support, you might find they are more receptive to a family friends, close friends, or medical professionals’ perspective. You may find that your parents have friends or neighbours going through similar difficulties who can share their personal stories regarding the support they have needed and received.

Doctors and healthcare professionals can provide authoritative guidance, helping your parents understand the importance of certain decisions. The doctors should also be able to point your parents towards the local authorities, who often have programs to support elderly care. This can range from financial assistance to home modifications that can make daily life easier. Tapping into these resources ensures a more sustainable support system for everyone involved and ensures you do not end up burned out from solely caring for your parents.

4.Self-Care for Caregivers

As a caregiver, it’s essential to prioritize your own well-being to avoid burnout. This may sound counterintuitive since you have been given the task to care for someone else. However, without the proper care for yourself, you cannot support someone else to the best of your ability. Therefore, don’t neglect your relationships with friends, family, or partners; these connections will provide you the emotional support you need during challenging moments as well as a sense of normalcy.

We recommend you find a hobby or activity that allows you to decompress as this will help alleviate stress and maintain a sense of balance in your life. If you already do an activity regularly that you enjoy, keep going! If you need some ideas, there are plenty of one-off classes to either sports or crafting activities that you can join which will give you a taste of a new hobby. These are also great if you like variety! Book clubs are also a great way to unwind yet stay social and these can usually be found at your local library.

Whether it’s exercise, art, or simply spending time outdoors on a walk or at the park, engaging in activities you enjoy can refresh your energy and perspective. Remember, taking care of yourself isn’t selfish—it’s a necessary part that ensures you are able to care for others.